Can you give?

It is shortly after X-mas. Most of us got presents. And most of us gave presents. Mostly to the same people they got one. Still, sometimes happens what happened to one of my friends lately: she surprisingly got a present from someone; but didn’t have one for the giver. Why does this feel so uncomfortable to us? Why do we automatically assume the giver gave it with the expectation to get something back? Is it something what we somehow internalized by ourselves, even if we don’t want to confess?
This led me to the question ‘what does it mean to truly give’.
For this discovery journey I ask you to step a bit aside and not only think of X-mas presents but also of other things you can give like compliments, love, money,…
Only giving our time or support to secretly get back leads into a state of fear. Fear? Yes, fear of not getting back what we deserve, being exploited or even cheated. How often did you think ‘I gave so much, what do I get back from her?’ or ‘ I took so much time to help them, but they never come when I need something’, or something similar? At any point we start controlling the relationship account: do I get back enough?
When doing this we might feel helpless, angry, jealous or unfulfilled. We fear of not being seen, cared, loved or even of being left alone. Not knowing how to help ourselves we work out our own strategies to handle this situation somehow.
Friends with children told me that kids are excellent in manipulating their parents. I think there is still a bit of that childlike behavior in all of us. If now it isn’t your father or mother it is maybe your line manager, your husband or wife, your best friend or a colleague. Do you recognize the patterns you bring up in such situations nowadays from your childhood? Be honest with yourself…
In the beginning our strategy might be trying to give more with the intention to get back what we want.
In some cases we are successfull with that – at least for the time being. But in others we are not getting back what we think we deserve from others. We crouch, we become smaller and close our hearts to the world in fear of disappointment without digging deeper if the emptiness we sense can be filled by someone else at all. Out of that state we can’t truly give. People who fear cannot give sincerely. It seems we overdid in learning not to be exploited. So how do we get out of this downward and closing spiral?
When I was traveling during my sabbatical, I got presents from many people I met. Not everywhere and not from everyone, but always in the poor countries and nearly every time it were people who didn’t seem to be rich according to our western standards. It were small things, not big ones. Mostly a memory of the places we were or things that were handy. As it comes as traveler I mostly couldn’t give back anything although I thought I should also give something back. But – and I thought about it deeply – I am sure they never expected to get anything back. It made them happy to give although they didn’t have much. Seems like I was wrong: they have and can give truly. But more about that in another post.
True giving feels good and is unselfish. It comes from a position of love or sympathy not of expectation.
But of course we need to have something so that we can give. But what does it mean ‘to have’? What is it that we should ‘have’? Do we need money to give? That would contradict my experience abroad…
Did you ever feel the pleasure to give someone a present and hit the mark? Do you remember the last time? That joy you gave the person with your present but also your own delight about that? For sure you remember…
Turning that around, doesn’t it mean: to lose the fear of scarcity you have to do the opposite of what seems logical in the first moment. Yes, it means instead of clinging desperately to everything, you should ease up, let go and even give away. Trust. Life is not about finding out what you get. It is about discovering what you can give.
So let’s realize what we have and focus on how much we already get. Then we can sincerely give. Then we feel fulfilled. Then we are secure. And feeling secure doesn’t mean to have money or attention or whatever it is for you. It means you know that you can handle your situation, your life without it. Others taking what you give, gives meaning to you and your life. Therefore they earn your gratitude. Your gratitude? Yes, sure.
So…, can you give?